So this is really it - my last 2 semester of college, if all goes well. Honestly I'm not sure I could deal with another year of this crap, but there is a part of me that's a little sad about it. Its an interesting time - difficult, but easy too, a weird 4-5 year incubation period where you have all the privilege of an adult but none, or very little, of the responsibility. It makes for some oddball times - fun, silly, but also kinda melancholy. Or maybe that's just the depression kicking in. Dunno.

Anyway, I've had this LJ sitting around for awhile, and I never use the damn thing, so I thought maybe I could see what it'd be like to chronicle,this stupid, sweet, ridiculous time of my life. I'm going to try and post as often as I can, sticking to reporting and analyzing rather than trying to continue the trite bullshit I was writing before.

Obviously there's no guarantee that it'll be even remotely interesting. After all, what can happen in one year?


To kick things off, here's the Dramatis Personae for this little project:

MAIN CHARACTERS

1. Me - the Narrator. Call me Rig. I'm a lazy piece of shit with a penchant for being artsy and for overthinking EVERYTHING. Someone once described me as being completely unhappy with any one thing until I've bored to the center of it and extracted some form of meaning. I have an addictive personality, and I'm also a huge nerd.

2. Alex - Housemate #1, he's a different kind of nerd than I am. Less artsy, obsessed with video games and Star Wars. He's randomly reallyuptight about some stuff and completely lax on other things, and its almost impossible to predict how he'll react to something new. Really REALLY into cartoons, esp classic Cartoon Network. Kind of like a cartoon character, actually. One of my best friends.

3. Chris - Chris isn't one of my housemates - he's more like a transient couch sleeper. He's a stand-up guy, and one of my best friends, but I'll be damned if he isn't the most incredibly insecure macho sexist douchebags I've ever met. Most of this behavior is filtered through his un-ironic insistence that he is, in fact, a pirate.

4. Laura - Laura is the baby of the group, and also one of my closest friends. She's also full of shit about 95% of the time. Hypersexual, nymphomanic, and incredibly vindictive, she glories in extremely poor self-image and manages to get away with a lot of female evil by virtue of being attractive, sweet-hearted, and (apparently) very good in the sack. I'm pretty much her primary big-brother figure, and therefore the only one out of the 3 males mentioned thus far who hasn't slept with her. And its very unlikely that I ever will.

SECONDARY CHARACTERS

5. Leo - Leo is housemate #2. He's never around, because he's a massive tool and therefore feels the need to be involved in every single fucking campus thingie you can imagine. Except for the fun ones. He does APO, which is kind of like a frat but isn't - its like a service club with fraternity trappings, except coed. Also, they're just as big of douchebags as frat boys are. Girls included. He's also a volunteer firefighter, and is generally a really helpful, charitable, service oriented, golden boy. He's also a creepy-ass redneck with a fixation on guns, and tends to be really self-righteous regarding his opinions on what Alex and I SHOULD be doing with our free time.

6. Cameron - Cameron is Laura's current boy-thing. He's a stand-up guy, and he's surprisingly good at reigning Laura in, which means it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he moves into main character mode eventually. Problems ahoy? Oh yeah. Y'see, Chris and Laura were dating for a YEAR before she dumped him for Cameron - and Chris and Laura share an apartment. This would be why Chris lives on our couch. AWKWARD. Cam and I get along really well though - we have a lot of the same interests and philosophies, generally speaking.

7. The Sons of Liberty - An organization that Laura and I belong to. We're a political activist group focused on promoting libertarianism and constitutionalism throughout the college community. We've also been rejected for recognition by the college multiple times, and are apparently considered a "right-wing extremist group." Most of us are totally okay with this. We try to be as active as possible, but mostly we just get together and get drunk. If any of the Sons become more important individually, I'll put them up here later.

8. Caitlin - Caitlin is my fiancee, who I don't see nearly enough of. She's pretty much my light at the end of the tunnel for college, and she visits our apartment here fairly frequently. She's done with school herself, and has been doing well in the REAL WORLD with a real job and everything!



Anyway, thats it for this installment - next time I'm going to review some of the things that have happened so far - here's a sneak preview!


NEXT TIME ON RIGS LAST YEAR OF COLLEGE!!!

Find out how Alex, desperate to get laid, slept with a fat chick!
Find out why Chris had to go get tetanus shot! And why dobermans fear hurricane lightning storms (apparently)!
Find out why tequila makes a terrible antiseptic!
And will we ever find out what happened to Alex's keys?

Jesus Christ, what a week.

I was entertained by the drama when I was on the sidelines. People get so emotional, you know? It was fun to watch because it was so very very stupid, and I have a bad case of Schaudenfreude these days so...well, I enjoy seeing people I don't like in pain once in awhile. I would sympathize with them if A. They weren't total douchebags and B. Their problems weren't entirely pointless fictions brought about by their own self-centeredness.

Seriously, the extent to which this bullshit has been sustained by nothing more than drama-power suggests that the whole thing is just the folk in question making desperate attempts to communicate outside their dyad. I didn't even KNOW what the problem was until Margaret explained it to me. Slowly. In detail.

Since when are you allowed to editorialize on someone's life decisions AFTER you break up with them? When did this change? Lord! Boy, she left you. Grow up. Get over it. If she's smart, she doesn't give a shit what you think about her anyway. If she did, she wouldn't have dumped your ass, savvy?

But what this really boils down to is pure selfishness. That entire circle - Ben, Joe, Nick - they all treat relationships, platonic, romantic, histrionic, whatever, like competitions. I attribute it to their entire lives revolving around playing fucking video games. Its all about the win. Sure there are rules you have to follow, guidelines for fair play and honor and so on, but it still boils down to a process of competitive acquisition. Other people aren't other people to them - they're goals, social victory conditions. You Junction up your Charisma and select "Charm" from the menu and when that sweet victory music plays, a little window pops up - "You've gained a New Friend!" But the thing is, this is a PvP server. People can attack you back, try to STEAL away your hard-earned relationships, and since that'll drastically affect your final score, you cannot let that happen. You fight back, aggressively, and wonder about the diminishing-returns algorithm that seems to seriously nerf your "Bullshit" debuffs. Suddenly you realize that your moveset is entirely flawed - other people are playing this game on a completely different level, one you never even knew existed! The dev-team must have a serious hate-on for your playstyle - it seems like the net of your attack routine hurts you more than it does your opponent. Right about then you realize that the stakes themselves - that handful of friends you tossed onto the table like so many Star Chips - are slowly inching towards the other guy, looks of terror on their face. "What the fuck?" you say, "This game is bullshit! I didn't even fucking do anything!" And out the window the keyboard goes. Ragequit, linkdeath, and the host has shut down the server.

Of course, this isn't even close to the way the real world works boyos. Other people are not quantitative functions of your life. They are not a statistic for you to track. You cannot powergame this. We are gone if this happens.

Anyway, totally seperate drama has me all worried now. This stuff's actually legit, and the worst part of it is I feel totally selfish myself anytime I think about it. Mostly because I was just really happy with things the way they were, and I'm hating the shift in the status quo. Things are going to start spiraling out of control rapidly, and I'm realizing the best thing I can do is just let the current take me wherever I go. Thats a scary thought, sometimes.

One final thought before I sign off for the day - Why is it that so many people mistake either sexual promiscuity or trauma as emotional maturity? I'm sick of thoughts I give being snubbed because, do to my background in that department being relatively tame, I "just couldn't understand."

It was the moment that I realized no one else could see
the way her toes curled inward
the way she wrung her hands
the way her smile wasn't
the shadow that lived behind her eyes

I knew that

I was her hero and it would never mean anything
except for that alone
except for being someone she had to lie to
except for being the only one that really knew
I was the one of us who could choose

To say nothing

Was how I hoped she knew what I couldn't say
That I was the only one for her
That I would be there when needed
That I would be elsewhere when not
If I chose wrong, who could blame me?

It ended there

At the jagged edge of friend and lover
Only she stopped me from jumping
Only, it no longer seemed so important because
Only I saw her bruises
And through the sunny smiles and cloudy expressions

I leapt

To the barren place, behind her eyes
Where I saw her, and she saw me not
Where everyday she was alone
Where she finally lost herself, as I had
And followed the shadow down a darkened hill

And that is why we have no heroes.

So I'm trying to use my weird random free-time to do things that are more creative, but don't take up as much focus and time as working on my larger projects. I write short-stories and long-form prose when I can, but I hate trying to do that stuff when I know there's a point when I have to stop. So I'm looking for stuff that takes less focus, but is still satisfying to complete.

Here's the challenge then. I really like writing poetry, especially lyric and slam poetry. So what I want from all y'all is to feed me weird nerdy topics for poems. I don't care what it us. Make me stretch my creative muscles. Post a bunch of things. I'll try to write a poem or song lyrics about them, no matter how odd.

So I'm making a pledge. I keep both a livejournal and a blog (Geeks in Love, candrgeeksinlove.blogspot.com)and I'd like to update them both more often. I have a work shift every Thursday morning from 8am to 12:30 and its always slow, basically just desk-minding. So, I will attempt to use that time every week to post...something. I can't guaruntee I will get to update both, or either. I might decide its time to do something else relevant, like finish some homework, or a paper. Or finish the DRT. Yeah, I need to do that.

Anyway, I'll try and do something more useful with this space. And yes, I know I've said that a million times, but honestly updating a net journal thing isn't top of the priorities. Its more like a pipe dream.

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!



IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Sail Away - Enya


WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Hero - Chad Kroeger


WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Colors/Dance - George Winston


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Seventy-Six Trombones - The Music Man


WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Leech - Incubus


WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Dancing Shoes - Arctic Monkeys


WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
It Won't Be Long - Evan Rachel Wood


WHAT IS 2+2?
Like Someone In Love - John Coltrane


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Thank Goodness - Wicked


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
If I Fell - Evan Rachel Wood


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Let Her Cry - Hootie and the Blowfish


WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Golden Moments - James Taylor


WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Wrapped up in You - Garth Brooks


WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Bring Em Back Alive - Audioslave


WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Missing - Evanescence :-(


WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Vincent - Don McLean


WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
A Story About A Girl - Our Lady Peace

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Ego Tripping At the Gates of Hell - The Flaming Lips


WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Moon River - Andy Williams (What?)


HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Gone For Good - The Shins


WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Ghostbusters - Ray Parker Jr.


WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Consequence - Incubus


WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Waiting - Green Day


WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Dignity and Money - Straylight Run


WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Popular - Wicked


DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
That's How You Know - Amy Adams


IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Let the Cool Goddess Rust Away - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah


WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
If God Made You - Five For Fighting

I have had perpetual writer's block for probably close to 4 years now.

I don't get it. Back in highschool, when I was considerably less educated than I am now, with a much worse understanding of what constitutes good writing and craftsmanship, I could just write whatever, whenever.

Now I actually WANT to write, I have a desire to tell stories and to entertain people with my writing, but I can never do it. Hell, I can barely keep up a small journal like this one.

I've been doing nothing for the past 4-5 days but staring at a couple thousand word start to a novel that I have a zillion ideas for and no way of putting them on paper properly.

Attention everyone who is confused about where I am:

I've taken a leave of absence from Geneseo and moved back into my parents house. This is, of course, bad, but at the very least its enabling me to do a lot of the things I was unable to do previously. Such as write. A lot.

Eventually I'm going to post the writing somewhere and link to it here. Mostly I want to find a place where I can put the writing without worrying about it being stolen. Possibly Deviantart. Not sure.

Anyway, I'll try to post my status more often. Later all!

Ha, so I have a plan for pulling this semester out of the crapper. (Academically speaking. Outside of classes it actually rocks pretty hardcore)

I'm going to withdraw from one class and essentially beg for mercy in the other.

Good plan?

Yeah, no, but its the best I got right now.

Caitlin tomorrow!

Wow, I haven't posted in awhile.

I really need to do this more often, but I'm having enough trouble just making it to class. I can't seem to focus on anything these days. Argh.

Anyway, I think what I'm going to try to do is write shorter posts more often. Focus more on updating stuff about my life rather than being introspective. Its easier, and it'll lead to introspection anyway, so I might as well go for it.

My life, in a nutshell:

1. I fucking hate college. I don't know if I'm just perpetually disinterested, but I can't comprehend how people can get into their disciplines the way they do. Supposedly this makes me lazy, but I really just find the study of literature (in the way its conducted here at least) to be mind-numbingly boring. So....yeah, might not be doing so well at classes as I would hope to be doing at this point

2. House life is okay, I have plenty of money now, and I get along with Nick alright. Vacation coming up and ZOMG Caitlin's visiting for it I am happy woo.

3. Every part of my life not taking up with schoolwork and surviving is currently occupied by the ridiculous debauchery that is being a pledge of Gamma Chi Epsilon. Jesus Christ its crazy times in Geneseo.

Class, work, I'm a loser.

To Taryn - I will call you soon, and I will offer ridiculously debasing apologies for being a loser friend who can't stay in touch. Happy Belated Birthday m'darling, your card is in the mail, I promise.

I'm trying to write something here...I had this idea a little while ago...eh, gimme like, a day, and I'll try and post it up. I'm otherwise going to remain mysterious.

I need headphones.


--RIg

Some thoughts I've had recently...

My housemate doesn't understand that I'm not mad at him for not doing the dishes - I'm just mocking him for implying that the reason he doesn't is because he has so many other important things to do.

Actively attempting to avoid hypocrisy is really hard, and when I pull it off, I don't like myself. What's up with that?

Why is truth valued higher than sincerity anyway?


More thoughts later. Discuss.

And the vacation is over.

*sigh*

Well, the sushi was good, the sake was better, I'm 21 now, and Man From La Mancha made me cry in public.

I'm determined, now, to get my health up and to write more. I wish I wasn't a college student though, the lifestyle is just killing me. The house didn't hold up to my absence very well, and why the HELL is Jeff still there? Grrr.

Vaguely narrative itinerary for the next bit of my life -

In 4 hours I will be leaving work.

When I get home, I will attempt to complete all of my laundry with the space of an hour or two.

I will also clean my room and either do dishes or try and make one of my housemates do them for once. This will fail.

So then I will probably do dishes.

Around this time Nick will wake up and probably try to get me to play Rock Band. I will tell him no.

He will pester me.

I may, since it will be now three days of this, throw that fucking drum set out the window and finally tell him that as far as I'm concerned The Who can burn in hell forever.

When my laundry is done, I will pack.

Depending on the time, I will probably attempt to start putting together the one-shot of Monsters and Other Childish Things that I'm running at JeffCon. There will also be talking with Caitlin.

At some point I might eat dinner. Uncertain.

Round about ten tolls of the bell or so I will be going to sleep. Why? Because in order to anesthetize myself against the agonizing pain of the driving experience I'm going to have tomorrow, I'm going to be rising from my bed and leaving sometime around 5am. That way I only have to deal with the other crazy people.

Later that day, I will arrive at Caitlin's location.

At that point I will be unstoppable. There's no telling what might happen.

Its somewhat refreshing to be able to sit back and truly admit to myself that I have a problem. Now that I have realized this, I can begin the slow path to recovery. Its not going to be easy, and its not going to be fun - there will be constant temptation and the agony of withdrawal along the way. I'm still not sure giving it up cold-turkey was the best idea, but I really couldn't see any other way of shaking an addiction like this off. Thankfully, I know I have many friends who will support me in this decision and be there in whatever way that they can.

Yes, for those of you not following along, today I have officially quit playing World of Warcraft.



PS - A theoretical happy side-effect of this decision should be an increase in posting here and elsewhere...

I have a broad request for my assorted companions out there in internet land.

I need ideas for making a living situation better. Like I said, its a very broad idea. The problem I'm facing is that I'm steadily un-becoming friends with the 2 guys I'm living with, mostly because they've made the place as toxic a place to try to live as possible.

This has very little to do with hygiene, allthough that is part of it. Its mostly just a general malaise, a tendency to do nothing and care about nothing, whether it be getting out in the world or doing the goddamn dishes. One of them didn't have a job for like forever, and now works overnight shifts and refuses to clean because of it. Or something. But like I said, cleanliness is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself, which I think is just some kind of toxic psychological despondency.

The obvious solution would be to "get out more" but thats generally a bust because there is no where to get out to. Frat parties aren't really that exciting, and there aren't that many of our friends who are still around. Everyone who is here still are already in big group cliques and aren't usually inclined to bring a bunch of nerds along (ie, they have no idea who we are, or even that we exist).

I guess what I'm looking for are simple low-budget ideas to improve my apartment's general quality of life. Getting the place cleaned up would be a nice first step, but it doesn't fill that craving for community that I always have and can never really satisfy. If I could find more cool people, I could invite them over whenever possible, but still, I have no idea how to get my housemates to keep the place clean and inviting. One of them is just lazy, I think, but the other has this ridiculously arcane, active, and disturbingly principled opposition to making the place pleasant going on thats actually kind of scary. He takes the nerd/geek concept to a strange level that I thought was only actually believed in by asshole mundanes, where he actively seeks to drive off and disturb everyone whose social interaction might transcend rants about free-market political systems and how the only nerdy things worth watching stopped being made around 1987 (He obsesses about Star Wars and Trek and Robotech but refuses to watch Firefly or Tripping the Rift or Martian Succesor Nadesico? WTF?).

Okay, that turned into my own rant. I need to stop that, first of all, my own impatience and anger is definitely coloring my approach to the situation, and its not improving my ability to deal with it.

Any ideas on solutions to this whole mess? My summer is really kind of sucking, and I want that to change very very badly, but I'm not sure how to start making this happen. I've tried socializing with other people, but the only time I ever have a moment to communicate with others is at work, and there's really only a couple of people there. So if any of you would like to visit me.... ^^

I had an epiphany, the other day.

It actually happened about a week or so ago...I've just been glorying in it for the most part, which is partly why I haven't had a chance to write about it. The other part of the why is that my immediate response to the shift in my fundamental worldview was to spontaneously drive down and visit Caitlin, which was an experience and a half, let me tell you.

The change hasn't had time to completely express itself in my day to day life yet, mostly because I think it happened in a very basic section of my psyche, and there simply hasn't been enough time or energy around me for it to surface. This I blame on my living situation, which could be charitably described as "dull."

The perspective shift was simple in my head, but it has been somewhat difficult to articulate to others, thus far. The best way I can put it is thus:

I am not Water, but Fire.

A little esoteric huh? If I hurt your brain or make you want to cause me harm due to pretentious psychobabble, then I apologize. I meant no harm. Anyone who believes in or studies astrology or other bits of pagan determinism will understand a little better, whether they believe in those things or not. You have to understand - the border between fantasy and reality is very weak in my mind, and since I've been all but bingeing on every form of science fiction and fantasy since the age of nine, my imagination tends to be somewhere in the upper ranges of semi-delusional four-year-old with a megalomania complex and a bowl full of pure high-fructose corn syrup.

If you know a bit about astrology and pagan-ish things, you'll understand a little better. A lot of personality traits can be grouped according the classical elements - and the signs of the zodiac are grouped similarly. I am a Leo, a Fire sign, but I never really identified with that before. My self-image, or rather, the image I imposed on myself for the sake of what I believed was the best and most proper way to be, was that of Water, the calm, flexible intellectual, the logical and intuitive thinker who approached everything by means of the mind. I aggressively tried to identify with this ideal, and found myself progressively more and more unhappy.

I think several of my friends and loved ones sort of realized this, and indirectly tried to tell me something was off without ever really knowing why something was off or what it was they were telling me. The closest anyone came to a direct statement was my dear Taryn, who would frequently mention things along the lines of "Ryan, you're such a Leo but you try to hide it!" and things like that. My Firey nature would be suppressed until it escaped and was forced to express itself in destructive ways, like arrogance and general self-centered assholery, not to mention extreme laziness.

What I have realized is that, on a basic level, those aspects of my personality need to be embraced instead of set aside. I want to create, to express, to lead, to be with people I love and to love them will all of the heat of fire and the ferocity of a lion. I want to help people, desperately, and I want people to want to help me. I want to learn how to follow my heart instead of my brain, which has a way of tricking itself into doing what it really does know is wrong. My heart always knows the difference.

Visiting Caitlin, for example, was right, even if it has stretched my financial capabilities somewhat. I know that I needed to see her almost as much as she needed to see me.

I still am a man of the mind, first and foremost. Its simply that my mind has learned to start giving in to the power of my strong emotions, my gut reactions, my instincts and my higher desires. Provided I can continue to develop this, I believe that I can and will find a manner in which I can proudly conduct myself as a human being who can contribute something to this earth. I can feel it, just there, in the way that the wind on my skin makes me thrill, the way music makes me want to dance, the way I want to weep for those who hurt or hunger or struggle with little more than hope. That is where my humanity lies, and its the road I wish to follow to it.

"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of a genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius."

I'm considering writing a gonzo-journalism style account of my time spent living in the rugby house. I feel like this would be cathartic and entertaining for myself and anyone who should happen to read it, aka the three people who read this journal. That reminds me...I should probably put a link to this somewhere people can see it, seeing as how I'm actually using it again.

The house should be more awesome than it is right now. Sometimes I wish other nerds weren't such dorks. Having no money doesn't help at all, but my housemates, as awesome as they are for the most part, are starting to grate on my nerves a bit with their generic laziness. I probably shouldn't let it affect me as much as it is, but Jeff sleeps til 4 every day and then goes to work, and Nick sits around playing video-games all the time. I need to see if there are more people around Geneseo who want to hang out with any kind of frequency. I need some adventure.

My job is essentially getting paid to sit around. Whenever my one boss isn't around, no one ever has anything for me to do. Hence why I get to post on assorted journals and blogs instead of doing anything particularly significant. Which reminds me - must post to the Geeks In Love blog before the end of the day today, because Cait has to be getting impatient and the amount of posting we've each done is getting more and more lopsided.

Currently, my amusement is coming in the form of A. Writing the DnD game I'm going to run starting the weekend after next for the whole summer, and B. Writing background for my silly BESM character in Jeff's game. I really wish I had a broader player base though - I'm getting sick of playing with the same two guys, as good of players as they are. Different personalities would make the games a bit more colorful, if nothing else, and bring a bit more flavor to the sessions as a whole. Anyone near enough to Geneseo to commit to a weekly game?

This concludes my rambling for the day. Good morrow to you.

So I failed again to actually start writing something here, but I was compelled to start trying to do so again for a number of reasons.

One is communication. I've always felt that I've been poor at initiating and maintaining communication with my friends and loved ones, and that this has prevented me from developing the kind of relationships that I want. Livejournal is a method of communication, albeit a limited one compared to face to face conversation, but at the very least its a good way to ease me into expressing what I want to the people I want to hear it without exerting more effort than it is likely I will be able to honestly commit to.

In the same vein, I feel like Livejournal is a good way for me to enhance my ability to communicate with myself. That sounds like corny psychobabble, and it probably is in every sense except that small point where its actually applicable. The truth of the matter is that I find that when I seek to truly understand myself, my desires and motivations and so on, I'm better at the aforementioned communication, and at life in general. Which is really the point.

The real goal here is, of course, to win at life. I define this by several benchmarks. The first is success, which is required for the mental stability required to partake in any of the other victories. Its the foundation, so to speak, and for me it involves making enough money to survive and have a little left over to put aside and a little left over to enjoy myself with, and it also involves being successful in my academics. The only real effort required to reach this level is just that...effort. It takes little more than will and personal integrity, but its still something that I have to work on, badly. Second, happiness, which for me is largely a matter of being happy enough with myself that I can be happy in my relationships, which will improve both my relationship to my wonderful Caitlin, as well as my friendships. This still remains a function of the foundation of success and the motivation of communication. Essentially, I want to be grounded and friendly enough to truly become part of the social network that forms the basis for what makes humanity so goddamn beautiful. Psychologically speaking, writing in a journal with help me get into the mental state to achieve both of those things.

Now I'm perfectly aware that this isn't a magic cure. Its just a thought I had - "Huh, I wonder if I wrote about stuff, simple stuff, about myself, in some kind of blog, if it would help to clear up some of my assorted issues?" - and I figured there was no harm in trying. Unless one of you tries to destroy my self-esteem by flaming me horribly or something, but I trust you not to do that.

In any case, I'm going to attempt to make further use of this journal. Call it an experiment. Certainly I need to do something about getting my consciousness beyond the rather smallish confines of my apartment and job.

Yeah, so I'm going to start writing here again. Really, I promise. No, really.